Politics 101* – or – A Brief History of Liberalism vs. Conservatism

Public domain
Public domain

Okay, class. Listen up. Today we’re discussing the two most important inventions in human history: the wheel and beer.+ (This does relate to politics. We’ll get there in a minute. So kindly keep your shirt on.)

The essential story goes something like this:

Beer required grain and that was the  beginning of  agriculture.         Neither  the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.  This clearly indicates that the wheel was invented to get man to beer.

These two inventions were the foundation of modern civilization. Together, they were the catalyst for splitting humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1) Liberals and  2) Conservatives.  A brief explanation:

In days of yore, some men spent their days tracking and bagging game to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Noteworthy Liberal achievements include:

  • The domestication of cats.
  • The invention of group therapy and group hugs.
  • Democratic voting, or the process by which libs try to decide how to divide the meat and beer provided by Conservatives.
  • Not having the first clue as to how classified documents wound up on a private email server.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals:

  • Drink lite beer with lime added, but prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
  •  Love sushi, tofu, and French food.
  • Eat raw fish and well-done beef.
  • Make up most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood film makers, group therapists and community organizers.
  • Meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
  • Produce little or nothing.
  • Created the now-thriving cottage industry of trying to get more for nothing.

Conservatives:

  • Drink real beer.
  • Eat red meat.
  • Prefer to make their own decisions.
  • Are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, construction workers, firefighters, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works for a living.
  • Hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
  • WATCH Ronald Reagan define Conservatism in less than 60 seconds:

And there you have it. A “crash course” in Politics 101 and World History. You’re welcome.

 ***
* I didn’t write this. The bulk of it came from a friend who was unable to provide a definitive source. So if you know who came up with this little gem, kindly holler. We may pin a medal on him or her.
+ You know I don’t do beer. But I just might knock back a double sasparilla.
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