10 Terrific Tips For “Revision” Driving in Hoquiam

Danny Kaye (Public Domain)

If you’ve lived in Grays Harbor for any length of time – say, 20 minutes or so – you know The Powers That Be loooooooove “traffic revisions.” Especially in Hoquiam. When working on the Simpson Avenue bridge. With school starting. And the locals out scouting supplies of gopher wood (if you didn’t get that, go here.)

Said work usually speeds along with the alacrity of a growing redwood. Throw Logger’s Playday (September 12) into the mix, and you’ve got some real fun. Think root canal sans Novocain.

So I’ve got 10 tips for anyone considering driving to, from or around Hoquiam for the next six weeks or so:

  1. Don’t.
  2. Bring some suitable reading material to pass the time. Like War and Peace.
  3. Consider packing a lunch for the “morning commute.” Or make dinner reservations for on the way home. Maybe both.
  4. Take advantage of the traffic stack-up to hand out business cards to all the cars behind you. This should work well if you’re looking to expand your Herbal Life business or you’re a mental health practitioner.
  5. Blinking yellow lights do not mean hit the gas. Comprende?
  6. Use the detour to learn something new. Like quantum physics. Mandarin Chinese. Open heart surgery…
  7. Be sure to re-up your blood pressure meds. Or watch anything with Danny Kaye, which is kinda the same thing.
  8. Pray like crazy you don’t need to share the lane with a screaming ambulance.
  9. Stay off the sidewalks. Note #8, above.
  10. Ditch the vehicle and walk. It’s faster.

More as soon as I dredge up my Nikes.

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