FRIDAY FUN: 20+ ‘Traffic Revision’ Lessons

Two Way

It’s been a few weeks since that “traffic revision” thing along Hoquiam’s Riverside Avenue kicked in. And boy oh boy, has that ever been fun. Think root canal without Novocain. Lucy without Ethel. Being stuck on a deserted desert isle without Ghirardelli’s. Did I mention hell?

On the bright side, the “traffic revision” has generated all sorts of learning opportunities. In no particular order, here are 20+ things I’ve learned when faced with a “traffic revision”:

  1. Walk. It’s faster.
  2. When on foot, don’t even try crossing Riverside Avenue with two-way traffic. Unless you have a death wish. Or sprout wings.
  3. Be thankful for the 900 extra miles you’ve put on the ‘ole feet walking to the nearest street light at Humdingers in order to cross into downtown without risking the wrath of Riverside Ave.
  4. Forget taking the short cut to the library. It’s quicker to detour through Timbuktu.
  5. Forget Timbuktu. See #3.
  6. When a bridge is closed, that usually means it’s closed. Stay off.
  7. Get a horse and buggy. It’s faster.
  8. Bridges are highly over-rated. Especially when you’re in a hurry and they go up. Invest in a row boat. It’s faster, too.
  9. If “Detour” isn’t a four letter word, it should be.
  10. The intensity of traffic is always in direct double proportion to the amount of time you’re running late.
  11. Skip. It’s faster.
  12. I’ve learned eight new adjectives and six new adverbs from drivers who haven’t yet learned the above equation. See #10.
  13. Left turn not permitted between 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. means left turn not permitted between 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. If you violate this, wait for the flashing lights.
  14. Avoid the intersections at Simpson Avenue and 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th See #2, 3 and 4.
  15. Avoid intersections at Riverside Avenue and pretty much everything. See #2.
  16. Bicycle. It’s faster.
  17. “Be Courteous at Driveways” signs are kind of like telling a two year-old to share. Good luck on that one.
  18. “Six weeks” construction means more like 10 or 12.
  19. There are times when it’s really, really nice to see flashing lights. See #10, 13 and 17.
  20. “DOT” isn’t.
  21. Crawl. It’s faster.
  22. This is really, really fun. Whaddya bet we get to do it again in another year or two?


After all this delightful detour driving and revising, I can’t wait to see what happens when the bridge re-opens, one-way traffic resumes and all this conditioning has to un-condition.

Maybe we can sell tickets?