I’m not sure if Julian Assange has this or not. But since I’m such a nice lady and all, I thought I’d share it with you. I mean, getting email from the Marquise de Kleptocratia herself is kinda fun, if not entertaining. (Think getting a root canal. Sans Novocain.)
Take the email I received from her Royal Hillary-ness this morning. The subject line was, “I need to ask something of you.”
I was delighted. Hillary What difference does it make? Clinton needs to ask moi about something?! Talk about winning the lotto. Cuz lemme tell ya, I’ve been waiting for that door to open since shortly after Kenneth Starr. I’ve also been kinda wondering about the average shelf life of quid pro quos between hubby Bill and Loretta Lynch. What used to be the DOJ. The FBI. James Comey. Maybe throwing a special prosecutor or two into the mix. You know, stuff your average third grader might wonder about in the doesn’t-pass-the-smell-test department.
Anyway, what did Hillary need to ask me about? How long her prison sentence should be? How to accessorize her orange jumpsuit (I don’t think they come in Pant Suit. Just a wild guess)? What about four good reasons NOT to vote for her? Hint: Their initials are Sean Smith, Tyrone Woods, Glen Doherty and Amb. Chris Stevens.
Well, doggone it. Today’s message from the Queen of Chappaqua wasn’t asking me about any of those subjects. Instead, Hillary was asking for buckos. (Like I didn’t see that coming?) It started with this gem:
I promise that I’m going to give everything I’ve got in the final three days of this campaign, and then for the four years after that — if I’m so fortunate as to be elected.
Now, the cognitive dissonance surrounding use of the phrase “I promise” in conjunction with Hillary Clinton sounds a whole lot like fingernails on the chalkboard. Not to fret. Hillary “promises” – promises! – to “give everything” she’s got as the campaign winds down, and “for the four years after that.”
If that doesn’t make you sleep better at night, what will? Because, hey. If you can’t trust a “promise” from a serial liar and career corruptocrat, who can you trust? The Marquise de Kleptocratia continues:
But this campaign is coming down to the wire — and in a race this close, every ballot cast, hour volunteered, and, yes, dollar sent our way matters more than ever before. So if we’re going to make history on Tuesday, I need to ask something of you, too: I need to ask you to contribute just $3 to help get out the vote.
Any guesses on how much dough she’s planning to kick in from her pocket-lining, Clinton Pay-to-Play money laundering scheme thinly disguised as a charity? Just wondering. The Marquise adds:
That $3 — or whatever you’re able to donate — will help ensure that we get enough supporters to the polls to win on Tuesday. It’ll help guarantee that all of our hard work hasn’t been for naught. And it’ll help this team shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling once and for all.
I’m not quite sure what shattering “that highest, hardest glass ceiling once and for all” has to do with serving as the President of the United States. I kinda thought a few minor details like competency, personal integrity, track record, and oh, I dunno, not being a career crook might matter? But thus spake the Marquise. Must be true, right?
Her email continues:
So what do you say? Can you please be one of the 11 people we need from your community to chip in just $3 before midnight tonight?
Donate by midnight and maybe she’ll throw in a free set of Paderno steak knives. Or the Lincoln bedroom. You never know.
Btw, if you haven’t seen 13 Hours yet, now would be good. It’s not an easy movie to watch. But it’s a must-see for anyone voting on the next Commander in Chief. Or vertical and able to fog a mirror: