‘Baby, It’s Bold Outside!’

Wikipedia Commons
Wikipedia Commons

Temperatures are dropping. It’s cold outside. Right on cue, the Perennially Outraged/Coloring Book Crowd is showing uwhy anyone with an I.Q. above a potted plant is gagging on their latest Outrage Du Juor. (Kind of like the average reaction to  Aunt Gertie’s brick mortar disguised as “fruitcake.”) The Crowd’s latest target as soon as the mercury dips downward? That evil, sinister seasonal chestnut: Baby, It’s Cold Outside. The charge? The tune promotes date rape.

Yes, friends, this Christmas classic has a double-meaning placing it high on the Naughty List. We know this is true because Leftistas say so. Here’s the Bing Crosby/Doris Day version, for your listening outrage. Brace yourself:

Clearly “icky.”Sinister.” Especially compared to, say, four dead Americans in Benghazi. The Clinton Foundation. Basement email servers. Bill Clinton and Co. Anthony Weiner. Hamilton Electors. (Btw, if my falling snow screen offendeth thee, my profound apologies. In a pig’s eye.)

To be sure, the tune is smarmy. Not exactly “merry and bright.” But neither is Nancy Pelosi.

So, if we’re going to ban everything that sounds sycophantic or colors outside the PC lines, let’s at least be consistent. And no more pussy-footin’ around, okay? Be bold. Like deep-sixxing:

  • We Three Kings – Numeric discrimination, gender exclusive
  • O Come, All Ye Faithful – No participation ribbons; “triumphant” sounds too bellicose
  • Jingle Bells, It Came Upon the Midnight Clear – Climate insensitive, offensive to AARP, sexist
  • Hark! The Herald Angels Sing – Check out verses two and four. Sexist! Imperialistic! (Never mind that these lyrics are among the most profound in any hymnal. E.g., waaay over the head of your average Leftista)
  • White Christmas – Racist!
  • Let It Snow! Geez Louise.

While we’re at it, can we also eliminate Away In a Manger? Certainly PETA or some other overzealous busybody with too much time on their hands (Hi, Alec Baldwin) will find a way to decry the extemporaneous use of a barnyard feeding trough. Ditto anyone on The View – or both its viewers – blathering about a lack of cribs for baby beds.

Don’t even get me started on Rudolph or I Saw Mommy Kissin’ Santa Claus. Oh, the horror! Ditto mistletoe. It is a parasite, ya know. Much like your average Leftista.

And, lo! If there’s a valid charge related to Baby, it’s that its lyrics are among the most brainless in all Yuletide-dom. After all,  “I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell” is now a hanging offense, right? Tip: If you don’t like the sappy song or find it otherwise offensive, Don’t Listen. Translation for Leftistas: If you don’t like the sappy song or find it otherwise offensive, Don’t Listen.

Behold. Not even Dieffenbachia takes The Coloring Book Crowd seriously. In the meantime, I hear Wal-Mart is having a two-fer sale on crayolas.  Let me know if you need help stalking up (that’s not a typo). Or tracking down Aunt Gertie.

One more thing. As long as we’re being “bold,” it doesn’t get much better than this.

So suck it up, snowflakes:

 

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A Christmas Message For My Lib Friends

To My Lib Friends*:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2016, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 

 

*Got this from my buddy Bruce M. He said I could use it, but it’s not original with him. Either way, it still fits.

My Christmas Letter to RNC Chair Reince Priebus

Dear Reince:

I know you’re probably missing my Christmas card this year. I thought I should explain.

It’s kind of complicated, but, well, I think it’s time we part ways. Since we’ve been such good friends and all – based on the amount of mail you send me whether I want it or not – I thought you’d appreciate hearing why I’ve decided to bid the Republican party adieu.

First off,

Continue reading “My Christmas Letter to RNC Chair Reince Priebus”

Top 10 Christmas Movies Ever – Did Yours Make The Cut?

White Christmas Movie

“Best” is pretty subjective. When it comes to “best” Christmas movies, however, essential elements usually include: faith, family, generosity, hope, love, and joy. Snow. A babe in a manger. While Tinseltown and Co. crank out “Christmas” movies by the boatload each season, those that stand the test of time are relatively few. (A Nightmare Before Christmas? Seriously?)

Here are my picks for 10 Best Christmas Movies of All Time. In no particular order:

Continue reading “Top 10 Christmas Movies Ever – Did Yours Make The Cut?”

FRIDAY FUN: 32 Fingers & 8 Thumbs

What if every Christmas event was this much fun? Check out the train. Don’t forget the elf.

You’re welcome.

While we’re on the subject of festive and seasonal and all that good stuff, don’t forget next weekend’s Festival of Lights in Montesano. Lighted parade, light tours, food, bonfire and small town charm. The parade is set for Saturday, December 12. Dress warm!

For more info, contact: Montesano Chamber (360) 249-5522.

FRIDAY FUN: Andrea

It’s Friday. Christmas Day was yesterday. But why be in a rush to wrap up all the yuletide merry-making? (Hey, it’s Boxing Day in Canada.) Yours truly has been known to play “Christmas music” in July. Way I see it, it’s a shame that some of our most beautiful and best-loved tunes should be relegated to a single month. So I don’t. I trot them out whenever, often without the slightest regard for the calendar.

Besides, dontcha love the sound a world-class Italian tenor in the morning? Nobody does O Holy Night quite like Andrea Bocelli. So nice to hear this magnificent tune sung by someone who can actually carry a tune in a bucket. Or several.

Be patient with the French. It was originally Cantique de Noel.

 

Betcha didn’t know there’s more than one verse. Which one is your favorite?

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O’er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

And yes, he also does my favorite rendition of Adeste Fidelis. Hands down. Venite adoremus…

 

‘The Heart of Christmas’

The hustle, bustle and epic commercialism of the season can easily crowd out the true meaning of Christmas. Matthew West gently reminds us what it’s all about in The Heart of Christmas. This is 4:21 minutes you won’t want to miss. Trust me on this one again:

I’m gonna make a wish this Christmas
I’m gonna say a little prayer
I’m gonna stop here for a moment
Before the moment disappears.

The world’s in a hurry this December
City streets and shopping malls
I wish we could slow down and remember
The meaning of it all.

Wherever you are, no matter how far…

The song is inspired by the true story of the Locke family, which also inspired the movie, The Heart of Christmas.

Merry CHRISTmas and best wishes for a bright and blessed 2015!